I’m in my late 20s now and I feel so much despair.
I think a huge factor that shaped my world is my breakup almost 3 years ago. I had dated several people, actually more than several, before then.
I feel like people think I am delusional when I say this, but he was genuinely the nicest person I’ve ever met in my life. I don’t understand how it’s possible for someone to have actually cared about me to the extent he did. At times I felt like he actually cared about me more than my own mom did. It wasn’t just that, he was intelligent and hilarious too and we had a lot in common.
Unfortunately I wasn’t good enough for him and he didn’t want to continue the relationship. This basically fundamentally broke me.
I had my share of heartbreaks before, but even when I met him, I was basically at my breaking point with love. I remember telling myself this was my last try (because I was so done). To this day I literally have no idea how I could have so much in common with someone. It’s like we completely agreed on almost every aspect in life. Did he just lie to me or agree with everything I said or something?
Apparently he has also had random acquaintances tell him he’s a breath of fresh air and so nice to be around compared to most people, so it’s not just me.
I really don’t know what to do other than cry about losing him. I’ve tried so hard to find happiness for myself but how could I let something like that go?
My life hasn’t gotten any better since then and I honestly think I am hopeless. Genuinely.
Literally everyone pales in comparison to what I had with him. Even though what I had clearly wasn’t real, because ultimately he clearly didn’t feel the same about me since he chose to leave. It felt real to me, talking to him is the most enjoyable thing I had experienced in my life.
This all sounds extremely sad and pathetic but really what am I supposed to do? I bet most people haven’t even come close to meeting someone like him so they can’t relate to this at all. I am going to sound insane again but I think he is some prodigy or something. Like one of those one in a million once in a lifetime people that most won’t even get the chance to meet.
This doesn’t sound pathetic. These can be some of the biggest emotional pains we ever endure.
I send you compassion, respect, and reassurance that your late 20s feel suuuuuuper old. But only while you’re in them.
So if they only feel old when you’re in them, that means I am delusional and it will only get worse from here. Thanks for that 💀
How to start this. I think there are a lot of underlying issues with what I have read and this is only an outside perspective. Some other commenters have already said similar things but here we go. Take this all with a grain of salt and ponder if any of this fits. It is not an attack but my observations and experiences from a cruel world.
First thing I would like to point out is you seem to have a need to gain happiness from others. By this I mean you saying your life hasn’t gotten any better, hopelessness, how great this person is and they greatly improved your life, etc to me sounds like you have some deeper issues with yourself. You are broken in the mind somewhere or perhaps an empath where you can’t help but rely on others for emotional balance. Where ever that stems from I feel like it may be eating away at your perception of everything around you. This is the first thing you need to correct in your mind before you will ever find happiness with another person. There is no one nor just one right way for people to find who they are. Many are never put in the position to figure that out. But alas it should be something you strive for. Much more to say on this matter because if is important but the night is late so I’ll continue. I see this in your comments because you can’t let the past go and enjoy the good experiences you gained from it. You are accusing yourself of “not being good enough” for this gentleman. You are comparing yourself to his friends. You’ve then compared your entire life to not “improving” from something three years ago. That one is is the worst mental shackle you can put on yourself. You say “don’t throw me a pity party” but that is the whole post. Why do you dedicate so much of your mental capacity to constantly tell yourself horrible things? Silly humans and emotions. What are you doing to try to improve your situation?
Second part I would like to touch on is has already been covered by others but you sound incredible naive when it comes to dealing with people. There are all times of people out there. Majority of people are good and mean well most of the time but we all carry inherent bad traits. It is on the person to recognize and learn to live a good life with those traits. But you can’t rely on people always being good to you because that isn’t the world we live in. You need to develop critical thinking when dealing with other people. For example everyone has a motive. What is their motive when interacting with you? It can be good or it could be bad. Narcissistic people are a great example of the type of person that uses emotion or some other form of leverage to turn situations in their favor. But there is just a drop in the river of what kind of people are out there. No individual is limited in their capacity either. You can meet someone that is a master manipulator but only does good with their abilities. The old neighbor that always shows up to help, gives you the best advice, or just makes you happy when you are down. The world isn’t black and white though. If you don’t have a natural talent to identify people and their motives there are plenty of self help books, videos, and therapist you can gather the knowledge from. The kicker is you never stop learning and identifying new types of individuals. To me it is beautiful to see the diversity that is our species. Learn to see things differently than you do now.
Last part for this evening is learning that sometimes the right thing isn’t. Just because we desire or feel something so completely it feels like a missing piece of yourself, doesn’t mean it will work out. You may never have another relationship that completes you as much as that gentleman but I say that is pure folly. You’ve limited yourself to never having room for improvement and it will negatively affect all future judgements you make like shooting yourself in the foot before the race starts. We have to play by the universe’s whims and not being able to let go of something will destroy your mind. For context I ended a relationship with what in my mind is the greatest woman for me. But life had other plans. I remember the bad and good but try my best to dwell on the good. Makes me happy to remember her love for baking. I miss her and wish it had turned out different. It would also be extremely unfair to previous and future relationships though to say no one else can compete. All relationships have ups and downs, it really just comes down to how much energy the other person can put into making it work. Also communication. But that is a whole book that would need to be written.
To sum up my rant now that I’m looking back at this wall of text. Get out of the pity party pool, pull your big girl pants up and educate yourself on yourself as well as how to deal with other flesh bags I mean humans. You did good reaching out to others though. That is the first step no matter how small it may seem. Pat yourself on the back just keep trying if even a little. The universe if unforgiving but there are a lot of people willing to help. Chin up you’ll make it through.
I feel you are broken in the mind somewhere
Pull up your big girl pants
Tough love/insult approach doesn’t work with me. Anyways, since you are the one who broke up with your “ideal person” or whatnot I feel like our situations aren’t all that comparable. Thanks for trying to help if it was in good faith, though it doesn’t sound that way.
Take this all with a grain of salt and ponder if any of this fits. It is not an attack but my observations and experiences from a cruel world.
Ahh but I am not attacking you. Again that is a mental issue you are instantly getting defense about and immediately saying something won’t work. Because how I worded things you now think I am hostile towards you.
I do take issue with you saying because I broke up with my ideal person and we aren’t alike for that very reason. Assuming so much from such a short sentence. For context I broke up with her because I am not the man that could provide a loving life style for her kid. I tried. I tried for 5 years to treat this kid as my own but he rejected me. The night I broke up with her she begged me to stay together, we could live separate when she had custody of her kid. Am I the asshole for breaking up? I gave her a chance to find someone else that may have better luck connecting to her kid. Spoiler she did find a guy that the kid at least tolerated and they’ve been happy together since. I’ll go ahead and say I am probably more like your boyfriend in this scenario. Maybe he found something flawed in the relationship and he just wanted to let you off easy?
For context I am a deeply disturbed person myself. I have extreme levels of depression and I struggle to maintain friendships with some people that see differently than I. I’m stuck in my mental ways but I do go to a therapist and get outside assistance with my issues because I came to the realization that I am broken too. I can’t handle my own mind on my own. I’m not proud that it took me several mental break downs to admit I can’t finish this life alone. It isn’t easy to talk about. The whole reason I even posted here is due to my therapist telling me to reach out to others more after my best friend killed himself with an OD last week.
So no this isn’t an attack on your person. This is a warning that reality does not have any concern for you and if you cry yourself into a mental state about appeasing others. I’m terribly sorry if you fail to change that path yourself. There are tons of people willing to help, irl and online. We’ve been shaped by different life experiences and events. You will likely hear a lot of things you don’t want to hear and those are likely the truth you need. Whether you consider what I’ve posted as help or an attack is up to you. But you asked.
Honestly chances are he was not all he appeared. Many people who are abusive appear nice at first then once they have power they start pushing boundaries and seeing what they can get away with. Once they get away with something they push the boundary a little further until years have passed and they can do whatever they want without consequence.
Add in narcissistic behaviours and someone can seem amazing, very kind and gentle, and wonderfully intelligent and capable while actually being none of those things. It is entirely possible he was conning the entire time, telling you stories of his life that were untrue, distorted, and extremely favourable to him.
Have a think about stories he has told you. See if you can find inconsistencies, places where facts don’t line up. If he was telling the truth everything would line up well, but if it doesn’t line up really well he was lying. If it lines up fairly well he may or may not have been lying but we can’t know.
An example is my partner’s mother was a narcissistic abuser who made some really obviously false claims. He said he was a geography teacher but it came out later he was working for a school but not teaching, he was the groundskeeper. This on it’s own would not be enough to be sure he was a deceptive person but it became part of a pattern. He lied about money, he lied about achievements, he cheated, he abused the kids, and he became more and more violent over the years. Now he lives in a rural area as a real estate agent, using his charm to sell houses for more than they are worth. I guess he found his calling?
Dr Ramani has a great YouTube channel about narcissism and if your ex is not a narcissist then nothing there will sound familiar. Maybe give it a look.
About 14 years ago, I met the “perfect” woman. She was interested in all the same things I was,. I enjoyed spending time with her and we would just talk for hours. We didn’t date very long before we decided to get married.
And then the cracks started showing. What I thought was “perfect” was actually the outward manifestation of an undiagnosed mental illness where she was just “mirroring” the person she thought I wanted her to be. What followed was 6 years of absolute hell, the story of which is too long and too awful for me to recount here. When my first marriage ended, I felt like I was perfectly happy to be alone for the rest of my life. Being alone is better than being chained to your enemy.
I’m not saying your situation would have ended up like mine. Just giving some context.
A short time later, I met someone else. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I did not think I wanted a relationship. I just thought she was cute and decided to chat her up. We hit it off and after a while, to my surprise, she asked me out. I was actually kind of excited but also scared shitless. I didn’t really know what to do so I decided I would just be honest. Without going into too much detail, I told her where I was at emotionally, that I wasn’t looking for anything really serious, and that if she was ok with that we could go out. If not, I get it. No hard feelings.
Fast forward about 7 years. We’re coming up on our 5th wedding anniversary. I adopted her daughter and we had two more kids. NGL, the last few years have been rough for a lot of reasons but I wouldn’t want to have spent them with anyone else. My wife is my best friend. I am very fortunate that she somehow waltzed into one of the worst chapters in my life and didn’t immediately run away.
She is not “perfect”. I’m certainly not either. We are not the same person. We are different people with different life experiences that have shaped who we are. I had to stop looking for “perfect” to find what I actually needed. “Perfect” was what got me in hot water to begin with.
When I was thinking about whether I wanted to get with serious with my (now) wife, I threw my criteria out the window and tried to focus on what really mattered.
Is she a good and moral person? Do we have compatible values?
Are we a good fit personality wise?
Do I enjoy spending time with her?
Do we have enough overlapping interests to make our time together interesting?
Is she OK with me investing time in my interests that she doesn’t share?
She definitely checks all those boxes.
Don’t spend the rest of your life mourning what might have been. You will never know how things would have turned out. It could have been great it could also have been awful. There are plenty of people out there who are terrible people. But there are also a lot of good people. I’m willing to bet the right person for you is out there and you may not even be looking for them when they show up.
Don’t be hard on yourself. We live in very strange times. Strange things happen. Sometimes it’s better to just move on.
I don’t know the person you are talking about, they might genuinely be amazing, they might just have excellent social skills, but the most important thing for you to do is move on.
This isn’t a riddle worth solving. Why did they mesh so well with you? Why didn’t they stick around? Let’s imagine a world where you have these answers with 100% certainty. Does it change anything? No.
I don’t say this to belittle you, but to encourage you. Your happiness, your worth, your life is not this other person.
You deserve happiness and love and all that life has to offer. There are billions of people on this planet and I guarantee you that if you move forward you will find many that will love you and care about you. And you will find many that don’t. And you will find everything in between.
Don’t fall for the trap of there being one true love out there. Take what good you can from that experience and also learn from it. It seems you placed a high degree of importance on sharing similar opinions and interests. That is important, but many people fall madly in love with people that are unlike themselves too. I love my wife with all my heart and we share the same core values but we differ in many ways. I’m loud, she prefers the quiet, I’m an engineer, she’s an artist, but we love those things about each other.
Take away from this that maybe you should bump up how important having a partner who is loyal and able to communicate well is, and notch down how important some of these other aspects.
It hurts going through heartbreak. It is natural and human to want to not feel that pain again. Sadly, love requires that we be vulnerable. Love is a stupid gamble that you can let someone know the real you and they will embrace that and stand by it. It is so special because it is so rare. But I learned something important in my time on earth, most everyone is capable of love, and everyone deserves to be loved.
At the very least, love yourself. We can not change what has passed, but we get to choose what happens next. You get to choose today to love you, and you get to choose it tomorrow and the next day and the next, and I hope you do. And when you love someone, even if that someone is yourself, you won’t be able to bear to see them persist in despair. Find your love of travel, or art, or science, or writing, or whatever brings you joy. Let that love fill your heart for a while.
I hope all the best for you, 20s is far too early to give up. When I feel despair in my own life I remember this quote by Mary Pickford and it’s always made me feel better
You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.
Ultimately I think it was just how easy he was to get along with and how much fun we had together. He was also open minded and loved to discuss and brainstorm and ponder about things which I love too. Most people don’t care about anything I have to say. Thanks for the thoughtful response.
That makes sense. I’m an engineer and half the things I talk about don’t mean anything to my wife but she still listens. And half of the art things she’s telling me about don’t make sense to me but I love to watch her talk about things she’s excited about and try to understand.
I think the best thing you can do is exactly what this reply does, understand what things you appreciated about the relationship. It’s very important to know what you are looking for and what you value.
I might be an optimist, but I’ve gotten to meet a lot of people in my life and I’m of the opinion that there’s really a lot of good in most people. It’s not always at the surface, but it’s almost always there.
I really do hope the best for you. Life is a beautiful, wonderful, and limited experience. I’m not religious, but I am a mathematician, the number of variables that had to line up just so so that you could exist are a wonder. I hope you live your life to its fullest and look back at this time as nothing more than a speed bump. If a total stranger can care about you, so can the people around you.
Good luck, be kind to yourself.
I guess my point was, I’m assuming you live in the US if you think there’s a lot of good in people
You are correct I’m from the US. I’ve also met lots of people from South America and Europe.
I also meet a lot of people through the things I like to do, largely writing code, I’m a weird engineer guy that writes code all day and relaxing by writing more code.
I won’t pretend I know what life is like where you are. Maybe though you can find people that are interested in the same things you are. I’ve also spent a good part of my life volunteering to help others. Volunteering at community food banks or a local hospital I’ve found the most kind and generous people, and it’s filled my heart with a love for my fellow man.
I don’t know what’s around you, and it might seem daunting to try, but finding a local volunteering group and spending an evening with them might be a good place to start. You might not meet your soulmate, but it’s a low cost step to connecting with whatever good people are around.
From what you’ve seen, do you think people are happier in certain parts of the world?
Even if they’re interested in the same things that doesn’t help me become friends with them if their outlook on everything else is completely different. They are also super racist. They think “English speakers” are like a different breed or something, and I know this because I understand both languages and they tend to talk crap after every interaction with an “English speaker” aka foreigner aka anyone that didn’t grow up here.
It’s even worse for me because I’m technically “from” the country but I can’t hide it because of my name. So everyone hates me even more than an “English speaker” because they view me as a traitor who left the country and I can’t even speak their language without an accent, the horror. If it weren’t for my name I would just pretend I only speak English and my life would be way easier this way.
Literally every single time I’ve spoken to someone that grew up here for more than 1 second (ordering a sandwich) one of the first things they talk about is how much they hate America and how much better everything here in this country is (hint: they have no idea what they’re missing cause they’ve never left the country). They also always comment on my accent and how much I “suck” at the language because I’ve literally never had to use it but am still able to speak it so sometimes it takes me a second or two to remember a word I never use. Then they tell me I will never be accepted into society or get a job here unless I take language lessons.
At this point I just want to leave this awful country where everyone treats me like garbage. The language isn’t worth perfecting or learning for me and I have zero desire to live here. The only jobs that pay any living wage are in IT, and I still wouldn’t want to have my colleagues be… the way that they are.
As for volunteering, the hospitals look like actual abandoned backalley nightmarefuel depictions. There nowhere else to volunteer cause we don’t have social services.
The place you’re in definitely matters a lot. We’re all human but certain places just have different culture, promoting behavior that is less racist, more nice, less egotistical and so on. What you have around you matters.
I don’t know where you’re from exactly (which doesn’t sound fun btw), but here in Germany, you can go from one town to the next and have a very different experience. Even within towns, going from one district to another, same thing. Within one district, what social group you belong to, same thing. I haven’t explored literally the whole world, but I very much assume that the same is true in other parts of the world as well.
I have noticed that certain places seem to be easier / harder to live in. Many of my friends from South America love it there, but some find themselves in very difficult situations. I have found that my European and American acquaintances never face situations quite as dire. Except in America when it comes to healthcare and then even the most well off person can get wrecked.
I grew up relatively poor in America, but I was lucky. I grew up in a relatively safe working class area, our schools were in disrepair and underfunded but we had teachers that cared. It would have been very easy for me to fail, but on the other hand it was extremely possible to succeed. I think for many of my fellow countryman the math has certainly changed and there are a lot of people even in the US that are living through huge amounts of suffering.
It’s true what you say that even if someone is interested in the same things they might not have the same outlook as you. I’d hope you could bond over a mutual shared interest over time but the situation of feeling like an outcast (for lack of a better term) where you live must be quite difficult and is not something I can relate too.
I’m curious about where you are, do people eventually warm up? It’s unfair to have to put effort into making a connection with someone that’s initial reaction is to be mean to you, so I’m not saying you should have to do that, but I’m just curious how deep their initial reactions go. In any event it sounds like a very difficult situation for you and one that I don’t have much experience navigating.
I don’t know your interests but you could find some outlet on something like Discord. They have a lot of different kinds of communities for different interests where people chat and spend time together. It might be a good way to get to spend some amount of time with people that you could forge a connection with.
They are able to be “fake nice” if that counts as warming up. Honestly I can’t put up with their blunt, callous, rude and egotistical behaviour for long enough to get to anything “more”. Like what more could there be with someone like that? Most people I know here have many acquaintances but not really any true close friends. Not to mention the stories I hear about friend group drama and cheating. Like really I’d rather stay away from all of this. Also in the culture here it’s very common for the woman to be as fake as possible and try to be a golddigger for some really gross guy. It’s especially cringe because they all dress and do their hair in the exact same way which I think is tacky af. They’re just very vain and I feel so uncomfortable around them because I can tell they’re “sizing me up” and view me as beneath them cause I don’t wear high heels 24/7, and spend my entire paycheck on extensions, fake nails and the newest iphone. I’m sure there are exceptions, and it MIGHT be possible to find someone nice, who isn’t extremely racist, but I don’t think I can endure the pile of crap that I have to sift through to find that. I think most people who wanted a brighter future left this place long ago. I genuinely have no idea why anyone would stay here, unless they’re ignorant af. The constant smoking, pollution, aggression, toxic masculinity… they call any woman over the age of like 23 an “auntie” (a special derogatory word for it) and this is unironically. Men here absolutely despise women and treat them like garbage for the most part. I’m sorry but this place is a literal shithole and I feel like most people who disagree are lying to themselves. Not to mention most people get extremely defensive (and aggressive) if you dare say anything bad about the country online, and I feel like that says a lot too. The overall mentality of people here is the same in every aspect of life. They can’t accept feedback, they can’t view things from others perspectives. It’s just their way or the highway. Also they immediately resort to aggression or violence for pretty much anything. Sorry this turned into a vent. The only good thing about living here is that I don’t have to worry about paying rent, which takes a lot of pressure off of me, but there is nothing else enjoyable about it.
Honestly I really did try to use discord. I tried searching up so many different communities for my interests and they just aren’t active at all. They maybe have like 5-10 active users and they’re all significantly younger than me. I feel like I’m just cursed.
Thanks for the response. I could be totally wrong but I feel like the country where I’m currently living doesn’t have anything for me in it and I don’t think I will be happy here. On the other hand I don’t know how much better it will be elsewhere. I just feel like the people here are generally awful, especially in the city I live where all the jobs are. I can’t move cause of that, and also the pollution in other places is even worse, and if I go to some village it will only be old people there. So yeah life does seem quite limited.
My only solution is moving somewhere else but I’m worried it’ll just be a waste of time and money and unnecessary stress, maybe I should just accept my fate here, idk.
If this isn’t the only reason you want to move, and you don’t have anything tying you where you are, and can move, I’d say go for it. That is a freedom not everyone has and maybe a fresh start will help. My mom used to say “you don’t have to figure out what you are doing with your life. Just decide what you are doing for the next few years and do it.”
What do you mean, like I should have more reasons that the ones listed in the comment? I don’t have anything tying me here except my parents being here. I don’t get along with them super well but I still care about them. I lived apart for them for several years before though (in different countries).
That’s the other thing though, I don’t know if I can decide what the best plan is for me for the next few years. I really do feel paralyzed about it. Im afraid to take risks now, it just seems so scary and fatal as I’m getting older. Like if I make the wrong choice I’ve basically ruined my life, because I’m running out of time to make something of myself.
You aren’t running out of time, you aren’t even old. My manager just moved hundreds of miles away to Oklahoma and she’s probably twice your age. If your parents don’t need you there and you want to move, move. By “more reasons” I mean employment opportunities, better social fit for you (like if you are in the countryside but would like to live in a city, or vice versa.) You can’t run away from yourself, obviously, but sometimes it really is the place that is not a good fit.
If you are feeling so anxious, is there any way to get counseling?
Like if I make the wrong choice I’ve basically ruined my life, because I’m running out of time to make something of myself
I’m sorry to say this, but the only thing that can actually cause you to “not make something of yourself”, is to not do anything. So if you feel paralyzed and don’t take risks, that’s literally the only thing you can do to absolutely make sure you don’t get what you want. If you do literally anything else, at least you have a chance to “make something of yourself”.
What does “make something of yourself” mean for you anyway?
That was beautiful. ♥️
My little sister recently went through a similar breakup. The wound is still very fresh in her case. I will tell her this information in time, but she is in the processing phase right now. So if you’ll indulge me, here is a little advice from a big sister on break-ups with ‘the perfect guy’.
Often, guys like this are chameleons. I have seen a few people like this in my life. Wonderful, charismatic people who make the person they are talking to at the time feel like they are standing in the glow of sunshine. They aren’t being manipulative or intentionally trying to love bomb the person. It is just in their nature to be agreeable and find meaningful connections with people.
You mentioned other acquaintances feeling like he was a wonderful guy. It is completely possible that he is a great, intelligent, funny guy with whom you had a great connection. And yet, he did not feel as deeply as you because he connects so easily with most people he interacts with.
In your own words, he “cared about me more than my own mom” and yet “wasn’t good enough for him and he didn’t want to continue the relationship.” It seems there is a disconnect between how deeply you felt he loved you, and how much you loved him. This is where a lot of the pain and sadness comes from in the breakup. When that glow of sunshine you were basking in is gone, the shadow feels especially cold.
I do not know anything about your relationship aside from what you have described. However, I fear you have fallen into a mentality of thinking no one else could ever compare to him. I have seen people dating ‘the perfect guy’ (Top of his class Harvard, D1/pro athlete, sexy charismatic surgeon…prodigy in the eyes of many) and yet, he wasn’t the right person for their relationship. People who are accustomed to being the best at everything make really good chameleons. They want to be the best at friendships and relationships, too.
I do not want to tarnish your relationship, or discredit the pain that it brought you. I want to highlight the fact that there are other men out there that are absolutely a better, more unique fit for a loving relationship with you. A lot of the successful relationships I have seen are between people whose glow shines more exclusively on their romantic partner. Often times friends and acquaintances will say things like “I don’t get it.” Rather than him being so obviously great to everyone, he will be more specifically great for you.
All that being said, what to do next? Focus on you. Fall in love with yourself for the time being. Do what makes you happy, and the right person will be pulled into your orbit because you know yourself and what brings you joy. Your late 20’s are just the beginning of the adventure.
It’s weird cause he said he’s done more for me than he has for anyone in his family or in his life… but still, he has commitment issues and a whole host of other issues too so it doesn’t matter does it
Well, now he just sounds like a turd. It isn’t normal to quantify acts of love and use them as a metric of comparison. You do them because you care about the person. It sounds like he needs to figure himself out before he can have a functioning relationship, and it makes sense that he has commitment issues.
I mean, he did occasionally say turd-like things but everyone has flaws. He also said he wishes I was prettier so he wouldn’t have doubts about marrying me lol.
He meant it in the context of telling me I treated him worse than his friends do, and he said that after we got into an argument once. His friends are more like acquaintances and he has never had to live with them.
Honestly I wish I could remember wtf actually happened (apart him constantly trying to leave when there was an issue instead of trying to solve it). That was a common pattern. Like if I would ever communicate to him anything that “bugged” me, he would just be like “do you want me to leave I feel like I’m just making you unhappy” and I would be like “no I do not want you to leave are you insane” but then he would keep mentioning leaving or booking a flight back and eventually I was just like… I think bro just wants to leave
We had to cohabitate temporarily, somewhat soon after first meeting in person, and I think the learning curve of me being his first gf plus that was just too much for him to handle
Either way it became exhausting after a while being the only person who wanted to make the relationship work
You just listed a bunch of red flags ahaha girl who the fuck says “i wish you were prettier”? Not even in a heated argument… never
He was just being honest and he didn’t say it to hurt me he just told me how he was feeling
You know better for sure. I personally don’t know if I would have said it even if it was true.
I mean me neither but like that doesn’t make him a bad person or anything
Alright, you dodged a bullet. Better to be single than with a man like that.
What do you mean “a man like that”? I’m sure most men think it, he’s the only one that was honest about it
No decent human thinks like that. And certainly a good person wouldn’t say it, even in the heat of an argument to hurt you.
You can say most men think it, but frankly, most men aren’t worth dating if they have an attitude like this. I think this guy has warped your perspective. You are worth way more than whatever he was providing in this relationship. It is becoming increasingly clear from your responses that he falls incredibly short of ‘perfect guy’ or ‘prodigy’ territory.
I’m not trying to be antagonistic when I say this, but I don’t think it’s his fault that he is shallow. He probably couldn’t help the fact that he wasn’t as attracted to me as he would have liked to be. I don’t necessarily think that makes him a bad person, though I kind of agree he maybe shouldn’t have dated me or led me on to the point that he did, if he knew from the start I was not what he was looking for.
I think he was just excited to finally have a gf, and to have met a girl he had a bunch in common with that he liked talking to. I think he definitely liked the validation and attention from it too.
I think maybe im being easy on his wrongdoings because of the nice things he did for me too. And they weren’t super small things either. I don’t know, but all I can say is I’ve met a lot of guys and I never felt like anyone understood me or even remotely cared about me like he did. Maybe I’m just unlikeable trash, because at this point that’s my only explanation. Its not like I’ve rejected a bunch of good guys or anything.
Maybe his honesty was a way to absolve himself of the guilt he felt by leading me on, I’m not sure. But I feel like if either way he is going to date me, it’s better to be honest about how he feels at least a little.
Honestly, that didn’t offend me because I know I’m not that pretty, and he did warn me that he is generally shallow appearance-wise. So like nothing he said was wrong. And I do get why he would want someone prettier to be with “forever”. It did make me a bit sad though that I couldn’t be what he wanted.
All of what you said is spot on about a particular type of person who isn’t malicious but does seem to forge a lot of shallow relationships and not really focusing on one, but I don’t get the chameleon thing. Is it because they easily adapt to whatever setting they are in by changing how they act?
Yes, they tend to adjust their personality to suit the person they are talking to. Adapting to match someone enthusiasm for a subject, and just generally blending really well with whoever they are coomunicating with.
I find these people are often very easy to like. However, they don’t know themselves well enough to be a great relationship partner because they spend too much time trying to be cohesive with the other person.
Sorry, I realize I got caught up in my own ramblings and didn’t define the term.
Yeah… interesting poem I came across
When my high-school girlfriend broke up with me in college (she was the first person I had ever dated) something broke in my brain. I mean that literally. It’s when my depression started and that depression hasn’t gone away for over 20 years. It probably never will. My feelings for her caused me a lot of suffering and ruined my subsequent relationships for about a decade, but gradually they became a dull ache rather than a sharp pain and by now they’re simply bittersweet nostalgia.
I really hope for your sake that your situation will work out better than mine has, but perhaps you can feel more optimistic about your future if you know that even I eventually got to the point where I was ready for something new. I don’t think about my ex even when I’m depressed and I even find it darkly funny that in retrospect she was less compatible with me than the women I broke up with because I couldn’t stop thinking about her were.
I mean I’m ready for something new but everything is a massive disappointment
I don’t mean to be rude, but what you’re describing is one way not being ready for something feels. It’s not just a conscious thing - it’s also the inability to enjoy the new things that you try
I mean what am I supposed to do?
Do? Be patient and don’t believe your feelings when they say that you won’t ever be happy again. When I’m depressed, unhappy thoughts feel true even when logic says they definitely aren’t, but trusting logic is a difficult skill. I have gotten better at it over time but the main step is to simply recognize that it’s necessary because you can’t always trust your feelings.
Imagine that you had a good friend who was going through something like what you’re going through. Would you think that her life was ruined and she might as well just give up? I don’t expect that you would. You would have a lot of sympathy for her, but you would also have the perspective necessary to see that things would get better for her. Treat yourself the way that you would treat such a friend.
Finally, I’m not a doctor but I think you should talk to a doctor about getting an antidepressant prescribed. I’m almost certain that a psychologist would advise you to try it. Psychologists are expensive but many GPs prescribe antidepressants too. Modern antidepressants rarely have serious side effects so the potential benefits outweigh the risks by quite a lot.
Don’t think that antidepressants are just for depressed people but you’re not depressed because you have a good reason to be unhappy. Depressed people think that too, and it’s one of those thoughts that you shouldn’t trust. I will forever be grateful to the friend who convinced me to get antidepressants and the couple of friends I convinced have been very happy with their decision too. I strongly suggest trying them.
Unfortunately I’ve tried several antidepressants and got really bad side effects from all of them to the point I become even more deranged I don’t really agree they don’t have serious side effects but I guess it depends on the person and also what serious means to you. Of course not everyone will get side effects.
I got side effects from some too (one made me sleep 16 hours a day, like a cat) but I tried different ones and the ones I take now have no side effects for me that I am aware of. They aren’t SSRIs. (In fact, one of the two I take now is an anti-epilepsy medication prescribed off-label.) I hope I don’t sound patronizing when I ask this - have you tried antidepressants from other drug families? There are many very dissimilar drugs and maybe one of them would work for you.
Yeah, my doctor started me on the ones that are supposed to have the least side effects. Then tried a few others.
That’s the thing about relationships: they have to work for both people. The fact that it didn’t with him doesn’t mean you’re bad and he’s good, it just wasn’t what he needed. If you’ve dated other people, you’ve probably experienced the reverse.
Unless all your relationships have broken down for the same reasons, there’s no reason to think that the next one won’t be better, or the one after that.
One thing though - it’s clear from what you posted that your self-esteem is really low, and most of us do self-destructive things when our self-esteem is low. There’s a cliche about it being hard to love someone else it you don’t love yourself, but bring a cliche doesn’t mean it’s false. It’s also very taxing on someone to be in a relationship with someone that has very low self-esteem. Not everyone can handle that.
Tbh his self esteem was quite low often, but it also fluctuated with periods of thinking he is godlike. I didn’t personally find it taxing to deal with his insecurities. I was just bewildered at how much he hated himself and thought he was unworthy of love while simultaneously running away from the one girl who loved him. Kind of funny. Ha ha.
I’m just going to add my voice.
You likely have been very much programmed to think of this one true love bullshit. It’s romantic feel-good stuff that sells books and TV shows and other media, but it’s not the reality. It’s a fantasy.
You are this, and even more, compatible with a plethora of people. There are a lot of people you could love like you loved this person.
The only thing stopping you from feeling this again is yourself. If you want to believe that there is no one as amazing as your old flame out there, then that is how it is. Your belief in this makes it true. Because as long as you believe this, you will eternally focus on all the ways the new person is not the same as the guy you loved, instead of appreciating the new person for the different features they have.
As soon as you stop believing that guy is the best ever and no one can ever compare, that is when you will find someone new who you think is as amazing. Not a single moment before, you simply couldn’t even recognize it.
In the meantime… Another thing everyone has said is that it is actually possible to be completely content by yourself. You don’t actually need any romantic partner to be happy. It’s the same as above: as long as you believe that you’ll never be happy if you don’t find someone as amazing as that guy, then that’s how it will be, you will be unhappy. But as soon as you believe that you can be happy by yourself, that’s when you will actually be happy alone. It is actually that simple. I’m sure there are things you love to do that don’t involve a romantic partner. You can do these indefinitely and stay happy. As long as you believe that you can.
I don’t believe in the one true love bs. I thought that about my first real boyfriend. Then I got over that eventually.
The point is this person was objectively better than most. That’s different. It’s not even about love.
Anyway I’ve never liked this line of thinking, it’s very just world fallacy-esque. “Its your fault if things don’t work out because you brought this upon yourself and deserve it” no thanks
Nevermind the can of worms of you saying someone is “objectively” better…
But you also said “better than most”. Most. So why not find someone else that is in exactly that category? What’s stopping you from that?
Well, I guess one of the things stopping me from that is that it took me 24 years just to meet a single person like that.
The other thing is that I wasn’t good enough for him so why would I be good enough for someone else like him?
The third is that I’m older now, so I’m “less desirable” although idk if I ever was desirable based on my experiences. Either earth is actual hell or i am significantly defective in some way(s)
I see.
First of all, I’m sorry for writing this much, but in my opinion these words are required, and the issue you’re going through is not easy to solve and requires a lot of words. This paragraph was written after I wrote all of the following.
You are neither defective nor is Earth actual hell. However, life is certainly a very hard struggle, there is no denying that. And most people have no real clue navigating life, most are either miserable or lucked into a “good” life. And then many of the people who lucked out into a good life give shitty advice because they think their good life is somehow their achievement. That makes it incredibly hard to figure out how to achieve a good life, because there’s so many conflicting advice from people who have no clue.
I’m not saying that I have a clue, because that is for you to figure out. But I have started life shittily and I am now living a good life.
You’re looking for advice, that fact alone is incredibly important. I would never be where I am without the incredible support of all the people I’ve interacted with over the years. Many people have too much ego to look for any kind of advice, so you looking for it bodes very well for your future. If you keep that up, I’m sure you’ll get to a good place. However, a word of warning, be very suspicious of all advice you get and evaluate each piece of advice you get carefully, including mine, otherwise you will end up chasing the wrong advice a lot of your time, ending up not actually improving anything.
You weren’t good enough for him. That much you figured out yourself. From what you have said so far, I believe that to be accurate. And this hurts a lot. While you have little enough ego to ask for advice, your ego is still there and it’s one of the worst feelings for it to get hurt. For most, the feeling of their ego being hurt is worse than any physical pain they could receive. So I’m feeling with you, I’m sorry that you’re feeling what you’re feeling.
The question now is, can you endure this pain and turn it into something positive, or will you enter a downward spiral that is incredibly hard to get out of? Currently, you’re on the path of the downward spiral. Your seeking advice here is your attempt to not stay on this path. That is very very admirable and requires lots of strength. I hope for you that you can keep up this strength, because I’m sure you can do it and I just want you (and everyone) to be able to be happy.
If my words can help you, I would be very glad. However I’m also just a human, I make mistakes, I’m not perfect. I don’t know you or your experiences beyond what you offered to share here. So please disregard what I say if it doesn’t help you, tell me where I’m wrong. Because I’m also wrong a lot.
So the issue is how desirable you are. And that you are not desirable enough.
You are absolutely right that what physical attractiveness concerns, you are on a timer. In heterosexual relationships, how the woman looks matters to the man, and vice versa, but not as much. Male attraction is generally based on female youthfulness and the related visual cues for that. So, as a woman, getting older means less physical attractiveness, that is the simple reality.
However, there are multiple mitigating factors.
First of all, makeup and beauty surgery exists, as well as simply being fit, taking care of your body, using clothing/style etc etc. There are incredibly many ways to raise your physical attractiveness, that I’m sure you’re not all using. All of these things combined can make you physically very attractive until late, very late in life. I’m a man and there are plenty of women in their 50s I still find physically attractive and would have no problem being sexual and having a relationship with solely based on physical attractiveness.
Second of all, even though physical attractiveness is more important for women than for men, it is still not the only important thing. How a woman behaves in all kinds of situations, what she believes and so on, still matters. In fact, I would argue that for good men, this actually matters much more than physical attractiveness. And this part of your desireability (hopefully) only increases the older you get, the more experience you gather, the more you improve yourself. That is why I said earlier that you’re on a good path with this post right here. If you want to be desirable, work on your personality. Figure out what is attractive to the men you want to attract.
For me, for example, the most attractive qualities in a woman that makes me want to fuck her brains out all the time and keep doing it for the rest of my life, is self-awareness, true openness, a growth mindset, little to no ego, spontaneity, optimism, to only name a few. If you are like that, I barely care about how you look.
So, what I’m saying is, no, nothing is lost. You don’t have to despair. Your desireability can be greatly improved, if you want to. A fun side effect of that will be that you will simply become a better, more confident, more relaxed, more independent person. You might even find that you don’t need the love of anyone, because you know deep in your heart that you are “good enough” for yourself, not for anyone else.
I noticed a couple of “problems” with your personality just in the little bit you revealed here. I don’t mean that as an insult, I mean that in the way that there are possibilities for you to improve. These “problems” are very likely not even your fault, everyone grows up in an environment that isn’t perfect, with people that aren’t perfect, everyone starts with some kind of shitty beliefs.
you’re right you’re not good enough for him and you’re not desirable enough
Continues saying bad things about me based off of a few comments
Considering you’ve never met the guy nor me, those are some very bold statements you’re making. Yeah I’m not interested in this discussion, you can go bully someone else now under the guise of “helping” them
I don’t see how it is bullying, am I not simply saying what you’re also saying? Does this mean you are bullying yourself? I’m just agreeing with you. Should I not have done that?
I am truly trying to help you, but as I said in this comment, if it isn’t helping you, you’re free to disregard it :)
You’re also free not to spam my post with personal attacks in multiple comments
Yikes that sounds familiar as fk. My 2 cents: you might be craving isolation (and maybe in part is okay) but actually going out and meet people is better for yourself, force it if necessary. Change habits, meet new people. Shit happens in life, it’s only sad and pathetic if you let it consume you.
You’re right, but where I live the people are very closed minded and most of the expats are married and older with kids and family or are digital nomads who plan to leave soon/live in their coliving spaces and only interact with other nomads 💀
Yep it sucks when it’s like this but I’m sure it could be worse. Ask yourself what do YOU like to do (chess, reading, gym, parc) and find a group in your city to hang out with. Make your day full, super full. You should come back home everyday exhausted, force yourself like this for a couple of months to make it a habit. When it will become too much you can start leaving some activities aside, giving value to what you really like.
Also Idk if saying that he’s the best of the best can help you or him. You are probably exaggerating a bit and maybe you tolerate some quirks of him that prob others would hate. He too probably doesn’t feel the best of the best and hearing the disconnection between you and others might harm him.
Anyway socialising (even if you rather break your leg instead of talking to ppl) is the best way to get out of this. I was on the other side, i saw the whole process…
Disconnect between me and others? As I said others like him too so there’s no disconnect there
Like him and prodigy are different :) but anyway I just think that in this moment maybe it doesn’t help you.
