Friendly reminder to be noncredible. Don’t actually attack other people for their religious beliefs. If you don’t have a funny take, and you’re just here to spread hate, maybe shut the fuck up instead 👍
green man
now this is podracing!
I’m in the firm belief that Amish are crazy but harmless.
Mormons are not that. Mormons are a modern organization, and one that is ruthless and demanding of its followers, and with funding to spare.
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Science fiction flavored*
Last I checked the LDS have actual industrial arms manufacturering capacity.
This is the real answer, there are soooo many Mormon gun companies and defense contractors it’s fucking wild.
A not insignificant one at that.
You must have your years supply of food and ammo just like the prophet told us…
The Amish might be more self reliant for the long haul. Keep growing veggies and chickens and you can outlast the Mormons during an insurgency.
And a fair amount of them own an AR-15
And we all know how well it went the last time a massive industrialized army took on a bunch of peasants on bikes.
They also literally run the US government
No, that’s evangelicals.
Lots of Mormons in the Secret Service, FBI, etc. Their jingoistic fervor is highly sought after.
some recruiters call this “low-risk behavior”, apparently cult takeover was not one of these risks
Yeah their adherence to the Mormon faith means they live largely without indulging in vices so they are harder to compromise/extort (allegedly)
yeah they might be harder to compromise with booze but they are already compromised by cult thinking, best deal in history lol
FBI:
i heard that CIA recruits from mormons
That can’t be real because everyone knows
THERE IS NO CIA
I think it even says that in the CIA fact book, which means it is in fact a fact
Wait how did you get access to our handbook?
we learned how to print hello world in COBOL
it’s the NSA that doesn’t exist
Politicians, sure. Not what I was talking about though.
Mormons. They already have an army of ~70k extremely impressionable 18-20 year olds (missionaries) hopped up on dirty sodas and sexual repression ready to do whatever for their prophet in the name of god.
Source: was Mormon, was missionary, still live in Utah. lol
Hwat is dirty soda
Soda with mix ins. Like flavor mix ins. So you go to a soda shop, ask for a Dr Pepper, then get like vanilla, coconut, or raspberry, etc mix ins. Kinda like an Italian soda. It’s huge here in utah.
First off, you guys have soda shops? Is it all 50s theamed?
Nah, most of them are just modern soulless rectangle buildings with little or no interior decorations. I’ve only been inside one a few years back tho. However most people just use the drive through and line up like 50 cars deep and block traffic and access to other surrounding buildings like the lemmings they are, lol
My house will be soulless without some schweet Amish benches on the porch. Money on them to win, I have no other choice. It’s a huge ass wraparound porch.
I moved here from NY and it surprised me. I think it’s because they can’t have coffee and such, so they drink a ton of soda. Coffee bad, but a 44 oz Coke at 8am, totally fine.
I had a mormon friend who was similar and it was just jarring the amount of diet mountain dew that he could put away.
They made the Coke Freestyle machine into its own store?
Yes, but imagine they’re as prolific as Starbucks and with 5x the amount of sugar as a normal soda. Everyone thinks the south is the sugary drink capital of the US, with Coca-Cola being in Georgia and sweet tea being the official drink south of the Mason-Dixon, but compared to the shit that comes out of those dirty soda shops in Utah, they’re like LaCroix and plain black tea by comparison.
Since they can’t do “hot drinks”, my coworkers there would typically drink 2-3 Monsters or 20oz bottles of Mountain Dew in a typical workday. It was absolutely insane to see.
That just sounds like a Sonic Drive In.
Think of Sonic, but on steroids. There are chains of soda shops here in Utah who literally only sell soda, and they have every mixin you can think of. Mango puree? Yup. Gummy bears? You bet! Peeps? What do you think we are, amateurs??
Come visit Utah, where everyone is speed-running diabetes. Why? Because the 64oz soda holders in our massive trucks need to be filled, and not with peasant sodas from Maverick or 7/11, but with real, artisan sodas with crazy mixins and whatnot.
They made the Coke Freestyle machine into its own store?
I’ll take a Dr Pepper with an Amaretto mix-in plz…
Wait, they can have caffeine now?
Nobody ever said they couldn’t, the only proscription is on “hot drinks,” which has been interpreted as “coffee and tea.” The anti-caffeine people are the “spirit of the law” people, and for decades, Coke sold caffeine-free versions of their products to BYU (that ended relatively recently).
Huh, TIL. Had some classmates that are Mormon growing up and I guess they were from the spirit of the law group.
Homie could you imagine Amish Guerrilla Warfare? Those dudes are so down to earth you’d think it was straight up the earth that attacked you. They dont even need GPS to know where they are. Mormons are gonna need some huge advantage other than their thug stratagem to beat the Amish Will.
Quite honestly, I think the Amish would find a lot of collaborators. As a former Mormon, I’d be happy to help the Amish out in some way.
Amish guerilla agents coming out of literally every tree, bush, patch of vegetation imaginable
The Amish are the Vietnamese of the USA?
Ezekiel is in the trees, man!
Whittling sounds…nothing else
Images going to bed in an Mormon military base and waking up that, surprise, the Amish build a prison camp around you during the night
…surprise, the Amish build a prison camp around you during the night
Just a modest shed, really…
They dont even need GPS to know where they are.
Inhales
The Amish knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn’t. By subtracting where it is from where it isn’t, or where it isn’t from where it is (whichever is greater)…
Yeah this map is basically USA vs Vietnam
In the first week, the Mormon airforce rises into the air and starts a carpet bombing campaign.
Seemingly, the Amish are destroyed as there are no signs of fighting back. The Mormon missionaries move in to pacify the newly conquered territory. But all the towns are dead and empty.
After two weeks of raising the Mormon flags everywhere, the top brass gets a notice: several Amish towns have sprung up in the hinterlands. Quickly the Mormon army rushes in but all they find are desolated settlements.
General after general gets burn-out from this game of whack-a-mole. The Mormons want a fight but the pacifist Amish aren’t playing along. The Mormon youth gets dissatisfied with their rulers who called then into a war and are not delivering.
On the other side of the curtain, the Amish are not allowed to fight back. They simply leave their homes and rebuild somewhere else, especially in places the Mormon army just left. But some amongst them are of the opinion that, although fighting is strictly prohibited, a few accident should be within the rules.
So the numbers of unexplained explosions in the Mormon homeland start to rise. It’s just the beginning, but the methane tanks on the Amish dairy farms overfloweth.
A Mormon officer suggests arming local cheese lords to get a hold of the situation. Wherever have we seen that before?
Hail the local cheese lords! Welcome to CHEEZDOME
My only proposed time dit: Due to their uncanny ability to construct elaborate building in a single day, the Amish continue constructing full barns and houses at each site.
<serious>
Mormons. And it’s over in a week, tops.
Mormons are really into guns on the whole. There’s an entire fundie Mormon clan (the Kingstons) that own Desert Tech, an arms manufacturer. Mormons in general have a very high rate of enlistment in military services, while the Amish are pacifists and opposed to any form of modern technology. And don’t forget that you have the Deseret Nationalists that are quite willing to murder for their religion.
Desert Tech
If the momos make DT rifles their standard issue, the Amish will win.
Don’t forget that there are still some people trying to make Blood Libel a thing again in the mainline church as well!
I think you mean “blood atonement”, not “blood libel”. Blood libel is about Jews (supposedly) killing Christian babies. And yeah, those are the DezNat people.
Yeah, blood atonement was what I was thinking of.
It’s one of the rare examples that’s almost the opposite of a population heat map.
Mormons lose big, and here’s why.
Those damn bright white shirts. Easy targets.
No way you can miss them, even on the smokiest battlefield.
The Amish blend into the background better.
The problem is, in order to actually hit a target, you need to shoot. Amish don’t shoot.
That’s what they want you to think!
I think I gotta hand it to the Amish on this one. I’ve seen how quickly they can build a barn. Imagine how quickly they could fortify a front. The Mormons just don’t have that capability. Not to mention the Mormon limited selection of hot drinks to drink on the cold bitter front. It would make it far more difficult to fight that war.
Now I want to see the Amish and the Romans trying to out-build each other on a battlefield.
Amish 100% because most sects allow for machinery in construction so long as it’s not on the property is necessary and proceeds benefit the community. You’ll see Amish construction workers doing wheelies in skid steers off property.
Plus I don’t really think many people know about or separate mennonites from Amish and that they’re allowed most forms of technology but dress similarly and live in similar dwellings in similar settings.
The Mormon Church has historical experience in low-intensity conflict, has members surprisingly embedded in diplomatic circles, has experience in power projection, and is fucking rich.
Mormons aren’t just going to be soaking, but soaking in Amish blood.
Lolll soaking.
Spot on though. The Mormon church has connections and infinite money, rivaling the Catholic Church in terms of wealth (and only increasing by the year). Their current estimated value is over 200 billion, in real estate, land, and investments. They own significant holdings in farmland all over the country including 1% of the entire landmass of Florida.
Historically speaking, the church already went to war against the United States, and attempted to assassinate a governor (unsuccessfully). 1800’s Mormons were nuts.
Obligatory note - I grew up Mormon. I don’t recommend joining the church. Their beliefs are objectively incorrect and oftentimes harmful. They have a cool history though.
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I had almost managed to scroll away before I remembered what soaking was, and now I want an apology for the image that you’ve placed in my head
Oh man, have I got a word for you: DOCKING.
I mean, if they spill enough Amish blood to the point where sailing and docking is involved, don’t you think someone should stop them?
lol, no.
Then you leave me no choice. I hope you stub your toe. Not the big one. The lil guy. Just remember, you’ve brought this curse up on yourself.
You’ve gone too far in your calls for graphic violence!
Shouldn’t you commend them for their overkill?
You monster.
Gonna be like the Vietnam War. High tech powerful army vs low tech actually competent guerrillas. Amish gonna win.
The mor(m)ons would.
They use technology, and have an insanely huge bankroll.
The Mormons have $182 billion in investments (that excludes operating assets). Just their stocks/mutual funds/etc. exceed $50 billion.
They could buy 14 aircraft carriers or 1,776 F-35s.
BREAKING NEWS: The Mormon Mountain Coalition has airdropped over a dozen aircraft carriers into the middle of Pennsylvania farmlands. The Amish Agrarian Alliance vows retaliation
They also have control over a state and probably its national guardsorry, too credible
didn’t the amish already win, and that’s why the mormons had to leave and go out west?
