Rojo27 [he/him]

One hell of a week… Working 7 days straight and oh boy are things going to shit in that time. Coworker’s quality of work has declined significantly and I’ve tried working with him to get things right. And the poor work continues. I’ve covered for him as much as I can, but it just feel like the floodgates are about to open with amount of work he has coming back to be reworked.

On top of that he’s taking advantage of my leniency to stay on the clock while doing nothing. And I don’t care about that on its own, but I’m already stretching the limits of what’s permissable to me to let him earn as much money as possible. And I already told him that I can cover once or twice, but I can’t constantly come up with excuses for him.

Its more than the text patterns. Like we used to act like absolute fools. And we’d try and catch each other staring at each other. Now she barely looks in my direction and our interactions a bit drier. Yeah there’s a joke here and there, but the vibes just aren’t there.

I want to talk to her, but now that she’s on PTO I don’t think its gonna happen. I can try and call her or send a voice text, but… IDK. Someone at work has told me she’s also been talking with someone else, so who knows. I know people say she often “weighs her options”, which is fine. I understood that going into this. Like even last year I know she also had been thinking of someone else when she asked me out because that’s what she told the guy that was pushing her to go out with him. But she never really just cut someone off like this unless they really pushed her. But that’s where it feels like things are headed.

I finally broke down and just told my mom. I almost never open up to her like this and it was weirdly… ok. She clearly seemed to have a bit of trouble figuring out what to say. I noticed she was messing with her shirt a lot, but I appreciated that she listened as much as she did and she didn’t really tell me “don’t think about it that much” or anything like that.

Its over… at least for now, I guess. She’s become much more distant. She’ll show a bit of the old side of herself for small moments, but for the most part she’s just not acting the same. I had stopped texting her on Sunday because I realized that I was texting too much, at least relative to how we had before. Back then she replied to a couple of my texts early in the day, but then stopped. She was supposed to be at work today before her PTO, but she called out. When we said goodbye yesterday she had said she had felt like throwing up. So I figured she might be sick. I texted her today to ask if she’s alright and nothing.

3 years of knowing her. 3 years of having someone I could be myself with. But I just couldn’t overcome my own anxieties and hesitance when she finally gave me a chance to be with her a few weeks ago. And the worst thing is that I know I didn’t show her what I truly felt for her. Every time I wanted to say something or do something to show it I just froze like a fucking idiot. Now I have to live with this pain for the next few days while work becomes more and more of a shitshow.

All I can think about is again how my mom was talking about how my dad never really showed her the affection and love that she wanted. And I can’t say that I was like that with my crush, but little hugs only go so far. I still think back and am haunted by the look she gave me when a near by couple embraced lovingly. I hugged her and asked her what’s wrong instead of just doing what I knew that she wanted me to do… I feel like absolute shit. I’m such a fucking idiot.

When I got home a couple hours ago I cried in the bathroom like I haven’t cried in a long time. I want to change. I want to be better. I want to escape this shell that has kept my emotions locked up for all of these years. I don’t want to keep on having the same scenario play itself out the same way over and over again like it has for most of my adult life. I just want someone to know that I love them and that I see the love that they are giving me.