Researchers are ecstatic at the prospect that they may have finally discovered the region of space from which Ozzy Osbourne came to this planet.

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Guy running for VP: “JD Vance may have sex with couches, dolphins, and even more disturbing things the electorate will learn about soon enough, but JD Vance will be damned if JD Vance ever uses the devil’s pronouns.”

In his defense, Elon both owns the platform and is a giant manbaby throwing a neverending tantrum at even the thought of rules applying to him.

Even worse, the entire concept of clocking in and out for ~8-hour shifts comes from factory jobs during the Industrial Revolution. Missing time meant that your station on the line wasn’t being manned and was holding up production. While obviously some fields still operate like that, many modern professions are task-oriented and being forced to be physically present for an entire shift is entirely unnecessary.

What you need is a criminal spokesperson.

Overthrow the tyrants that keep us in chains! Physically occupy residential property en masse and claim squatter’s rights. Bring back crucifixion for white collar criminals on Wall Street. Raid the pharmaceutical industry’s warehouses and distribute medication for free. In Minecraft, of course.

Don’t be a part of this domestic infighting. Join the Knights of Chik-fil-A on their Holy Crusade to destroy Chinese food at its very source.

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Hoping this is part of a larger diplomatic strategy to secure a ceasefire. If Israel actually attacks Rafah, the civilian death toll will be catastrophic, and it will turn allies into enemies.

This is the line that must not be crossed. The civilians retreated to this last point. Attacking it is genocide.

Boeing: Amtrak of the Skies. We’ll probably get you there safely.

Did they even try using poop from an Ivermectin user? My roommate’s uncle’s fourth cousin made a poop knife out of his Ivermectin shits and killed 3 census workers with it. This is why no one trusts Big Science.

“Our company is invested in the dynamic strategy of using people to solve problems. Person Intelligence or PI, as we call it. We know our strategy is out of favor now, but given that it has worked consistently throughout all of human history, we are hopeful for the future.”

Behold the native Internet Tough Guy in his comfortable habitat. From his keyboard, he is a great warrior. His hypothetical contributions to the history of war are legendary.

And both guards fell asleep simultaneously. And no inmate had successfully committed suicide in that facility in over 20 years. And…

Story time: I went to an Iraq War protest back in the day. Some people wandered out of the protest zone and (to be completely fair, I didn’t see what started the altercation) got their asses beat by the cops. One brave kid stood out from the crowd and said, “Come on, guys! We have to help them!” We all looked at each other and were like, “Uh… no.” The brave lad then charged in and promptly got his ass beat by the cops. The war still happened.

Meanwhile, the economy rich people’s yacht money is doing fantastic by every metric.

Think of all the money we’ll save on taxes when we win the lottery. That’s certainly worth destroying the Pax Americana built on New Deal policies and principles.

US Lawmakers aren’t scrambling to do anything but take bribes and engage in insider trading.

“Fuck serenity. George is here for payback.”