KittyBobo [he/him, comrade/them]

I’m really frustrated with my job right now. It’s not the worst job I’ve had by any means, I mean it’s nothing fancy either, hourly making 22k a year, but I can be pretty lazy so I feel guilty whining about it. I have some undiagnosed mental problems that makes shit really difficult. And even that is frustrating because no one will take you seriously even with a diagnosis, but with out? If I try to self-diagnose them I’m a “removed” who’s ableist towards people with real problems. Doesn’t matter that my parents never took me to a doctor and just yelled at me for not being normal and that now as an adult, because I can barely find work I can tolerate, I can’t afford to see a doctor myself to get diagnosed with anything. No one wants to hear it. They think that because I am working at the moment that must mean I’m capable of working and therefore don’t need or deserve help. But people can do some pretty extreme things in extreme circumstances, people can survive through a lot even if it leaves physical and mental scars, that doesn’t mean they should have to though. But no one wants to hear it when I’m trying to express that basic shit can be pretty difficult for me. They’ll just point out how some people are worse off so that invalidates what I’m going through and it’s hard not to internalize that and feel worse. I really feel like the only way anyone would take me seriously is if I killed myself over it, which would kind of defeat the purpose of getting people to understand that I have problems because what I want is fucking help. And even then they probably wouldn’t get it. But right now my boss is hinting that she doesn’t think I’m working hard enough. On one hand, yeah, I’m pretty fucking lazy, I sitting around all day trying not to think about the best way to kill myself instead of working but at the same time her and my coworker are fucking lazy too. They both show up late, they’re both on their phones more often than not, they both barely get any work done. I can fucking sit around for hours and still get more done than they do, but she doesn’t complain about him because he’s teacher’s fucking pet and does favors for her or buys her fast food. I come in every day at 8 and they show up late, sometimes hours late, even though they only have to come in at 12:30. Part of my job is greeting people and helping them but my social batteries are small. People expect you to look at them when talking so I’ve learned to blur my vision on command so I can look like I’m looking at people without actually having to because it really makes me uncomfortable to look at people. It’s also difficult for me to talk some times, but I can’t just be nonverbal since talking is part of the job, so I’ve had to come up with a script where I just say the same things in the same tone so I don’t have to think about it, it helps if I just pretend I’m saying “hello” or whatever outloud to no one. And having to jump through all these hoops makes it so by the time I get home I just don’t have the energy for doing all the other adult things I need to do, let alone anything fun. I’m just getting really close to the point where I can’t keep doing it, I’ve had this job for over two years which is way longer than any other job I’ve had, I’ve never worked at the same place for more than a month anywhere else. But I literally have no other options, I don’t drive and I’ve already worked and quit at every other place in walking distance. I’m just so tired of thinking about suicide every single day, I’m tired of being tired and not having to energy to do what I want, I’m tired of having to do all this and still be told it’s not enough, I’m tired of just having to sit and listen to my coworker’s racism, homophobia, and transphobia because I know I can’t say shit. I just have to mask and pretend I’m a normal heterosexual with no mental problems. And if I can’t be myself I may as well be dead already. I really just don’t know what to do, no one cares and I can’t get help from anywhere. And while dealing with all this my best friend has ghosted me, deleted all their socials and I don’t know if they’re just having a rough time or if they’re dead and I’ll just never know.

I keep fantasizing about shooting my kneecaps out. That way either my mental health gets taken seriously or at least I get some assistance for my now destroyed legs. And if this country still has no help for me after all that then at least I know I tried the most extreme thing I could before killing myself. Am I so allergic to work that I would I do all that just to not have to work anymore and would anyone with the power to help me care if I did? I don’t know but I can’t stop thinking about it.