I did a bit of searching and found a bunch. Not major peripheral brands, but a fair few with programmable buttons, adjustable DPI, wireless or wired etc. No idea if any of them are actually good or not. I assume they aren’t what you’re looking for, but just in case…

https://www.deluxworld.com/en-pro-detail-M618PR.html (Delux M618PR)
http://www.ergoguys.com/zlvegamorgbe.html (ZLOT Vertical Gaming Mouse)
https://mojotechinc.com/products/mojo-vertical-silent-gaming-mouse (Mojo vertical)
https://www.trust.com/en/product/22991-gxt-144-rexx-ergonomic-vertical-gaming-mouse (GXT 144 Rexx)

there’s more but I’m already worried this will come across patronising lol.

I would shoplift the fuck out of those things and then never get around to reverse engineering them.

Damn, that’s a slick bit of work.

I’ve been treating myself to some sincere posting. It’s a bold new flavour for me.

The anti-treat posts on here make me want to block people. Rightly so.

The joke I was attempting to construct was that the economic system we live under isn’t just broken, but so broken that even the token benefits (like treats, to keep us just comfortable enough to revolt) are becoming as systemically broken as the things they’re supposed to distract us from.

Complicating my awkward joke was butchering it into the format of a gamergate-eque statement (ie, it’s not games it’s <everything isn’t my version of perfect about ethics in journalism>.

I know it’s been 5 days since I wrote that throw-away joke and I was absurdly wired and tired when I wrote it. On reflection though, I think I like the joke still unlke most of the cringe I post. To sort of reduce it to blatant absurdity, it’d be something like:

Don’t get distracted about surge pricing for restaurants, it’s about people starving to death because they don’t have money.

Apologies for the pedantry. I might be evolving into the cringiest version of myself. :/

The prices will be dynamic, the wages stagnant.

Indeed, just remember it’s not about treats, it’s about ethics in economics. Don’t let them smear us on this. Everybody needs treats they’re a basic human right.