Mostly lurking. United States southerner, gay, working retail. An amazing combination

  • 8 Posts
  • 152 Comments
Joined 4 months ago
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Cake day: February 23rd, 2024

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  • My mom let all her kids go to school while living at home and paying very little towards bills. I really wanted to, but my older siblings convinced me not to. They couldn’t drive, so they’d have to drop out, and it’s not fair for the younger one to go to school first. But if I wait my turn, they’ll be able to help me.

    Yeahhhh, my turn never came. I got disillusioned and moved out. I could never afford to go to school now. I don’t think any of them ever used their degrees anyway.

    Every day I wish I’d told them to shove it, and done what I wanted to do.









  • Thank you ❤️ it makes me sad though, because I know my friends act the way they do because they have trouble controlling their anxiety. Now that I’ve thought about it, I don’t hold it against them because that’s exactly what my disorder is.

    It just sucks because I don’t want to let this shit control my relationships, and I doubt they do either. They’re all really funny, creative, passionate people, and they deserve safe friendships as much as I do.


  • Not the best. Have some kind of recurring fungal infection that I’ve just been slapping with OTC cream, but it keeps popping back up in random places. Had two yeast infections this month. I don’t think I’m particularly unhygienic so I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve racked up enough medical bills and my savings are gone due to moving expenses.

    Speaking of moving… no progress. My friend who owns a van forgot they were going to help me on my day off 🙁 I think I’m getting depressed being stuck in my current place surrounded by boxes.

    I’m also lonely. I lied and told my long-distance friends that I’m taking a screen break to focus on moving, but actually I needed time away from them. I have moral scrupulosity OCD and they know it but keep doing things that aggravate it, like reading these really intense moral stances into things I say and self-flagellating for not conforming to what they think my opinion is. One of them told me outright that he bases his morals on me. (I’m a mean, paranoid dropout with no background in ethics, social sciences, or philosophy, so this is a baffling choice.)

    I know my mental health is my responsibility and it’s not their fault I have OCD, but my mind tortures me when I’m around them. I feel like a cult leader. Like I’m going to break them, or lead them into trouble. On top of that, they can’t stand the rituals I developed before talking to them. So in this case I think taking responsibility for my mental health actually means fucking off. I’m focusing on befriending my coworkers and keeping it extremely casual. I never want anyone to be that invested in me again.

    I hope next week I can post about how I’m happy in a new place and my coworkers liked getting sushi.





  • Yeah, that’s something I’ve been thinking about myself. I think I have trouble holding it in because I really strongly believe in emotionally supporting the people I care about, but I get resentful if I keep letting people lean on me while feeling like I couldn’t ask for the same thing.

    I’m trying to make more casual friendships to remove that inequality. People I can just hang out with, but without that emotional expectation that always seems to fall on one person.


  • Thank you, this is really kind. Logically, I know it’s true that demeaning and comparing other people’s experiences is wrong, but I encounter it so much it’s hard to really believe it.

    I think ranking the impact people have had in my life is probably a good idea, but it’d take me some time to figure out how to quantify that.



  • Tbh it’s mainly one friend, it just took me way too long to realize that it wasn’t normal to be talked to that way because everyone else treats it as normal. They used to swoop in to comfort him before I talked to them about it.

    It’s just hard to pull back because we’ve been so enmeshed for almost a decade now 🙁





  • My niece is starting to get old enough that, even if I leave a note asking them to tell her I was in an accident, I think she’d catch on. We’re not super close but I’m not sure what it does to a kid’s psych to learn people in their family can do that. I have VERY strong feelings about people who refuse to protect children, so unfortunately I’m here for a while.