Lemmy, I have a problem. I fuck up social interactions incredibly frequently, far more often and severely than others do.

I will be speaking what I feel is casually and consistently, and the person I am speaking with will suddenly have a significant change in their demeanor and speech. It both makes me feel bad that they react this way and frustrates me that I made an incorrect interaction.

This doesn’t really occur with people I don’t know well. Rather, it occurs with the people I spend the most time with…my coworkers. I am forced to interact with them all day due to my specific job. With one of them, I would consider them to be my only friend.

I have noticed that they all have specific unspoken “triggers” of speech or behavior that I need to minimize or hide when in front of them. But there are always instances where I cannot recognize a pattern. And even when I can kind of figure out a pattern, I sometimes fail to implement it.

You know the phrase, “think before you speak” right? But how the hell does one apply that to large swaths of conversations that occur all day long? It would be incredibly jarring and odd for me to make large pauses between each and every sentence I make. Is there a better shortcut to this?

Here are some examples of “off limits” speech/behavior patterns that I have noticed among various people:

Coworker 1 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), making a workplace error, anxious body language (this one is particularly difficult)

Coworker 2 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), statements that are too negative, offering to let them leave work early

Coworker 3 - statements that are too negative, mentioning my dad, statements that may give them too much anxiety (sometimes difficult to discern), talking about coworker 1 too much in a negative way (even tho we both think coworker 1 is a removed)

Coworker 3 also has repeatedly told me that I can come to them with issues, but they always get upset if I say something too negative. They seem to occasionally ask me trick questions too like “are you ok?” even though I know I’m not supposed to answer truthfully. I don’t understand this behavior or how to deal with it.

Coworker 4 - talking too much in general about any topic (they would just prefer I shut up tbh unless there is zero work)

Yes, there is some overlap among them, but they still have a lot of differences that are difficult for me to discern.

I mean, I guess the “easiest” solution would to try to never talk again outside of any speech that is immediately necessary to do my job. Coworker 4 essentially does this. But it is tricky to do and a bit depressing. As a human (I think??), I am unfortunately a social creature. And it does get a bit frustrating that I can’t be authentically me.

Would appreciate some guidance. Sorry for the long post and thanks if you stuck around this far!

  • Pandemanium@lemm.ee
    2·
    8 hours ago

    Look, communicating awkwardly doesn’t make you a horrible person. I think part of it is you have a confidence problem. It sounds like you always cowtow to your coworkers’ reactions, even going so far as apologizing when you haven’t objectively done anything wrong (your responses don’t seem that weird, but maybe it is the way you say things). It seems odd to me that anyone would be offended by an offer to go home early, unless you’re making it seem like you specifically don’t want them to be around.

    At the end of the day, your coworkers are just people with their own issues and imperfections. They are probably not experts at communication either, so don’t treat them as such. I would not take any social cues from coworker 1.

    You may not be able to change the dynamic at work, so my advice is to find a way to socialize outside of work (with people who actually like & respect you!). That way you won’t have to rely on your workplace for those needs.