My diagnosed-autistic boyfriend mentioned it to me. I researched it, the label fit. Took the online quizzes, started adapting some of the suggested coping strategies/‘life hacks’ and they helped.
Then I realized that maybe all the comfortable, ‘normal’ engineering nerd college friends I fit in with were less neurotypical than I thought. Other friends that had formal diagnoses told me that I felt autistic to them. We flock, you know. Later, I mentioned it to my therapist and she was like “yeah, you seem autistic to me”.
I was a psych undergrad, but never really made any friends there. All my friends were nuclear engineering students.
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I’ve always felt that I am “from another planet”, both in social interactions and because I feel like an alien clumsily operating a meat puppet. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for decades, but treatments didn’t really help. My social-worker daughter suggested a couple of years ago that perhaps I am autistic, so I started looking into it. I scored as autistic on all the online self-tests. It made sense, explained a lot of my life events. For objective verification, a month ago I went to a diagnostician. Sure enough, I’m a highly-masking autistic person.
I’m 60. It’s such a relief to know that my struggles in life were not because I am a weak or lazy person. I don’t hate myself anymore; on the contrary, I am a bit proud of how much I accomplished in life considering I didn’t know “What the hell is wrong with” me (as my dad would frequently ask).
I find it quite validating that a lot of our experiences have been so similar. Though it’s sad that many of us suffered similar difficulties on our own, I’m happy that autism awareness has been catching on and that there are spaces like this community where we can get together.
I am a bit proud of how much I accomplished in life considering I didn’t know “What the hell is wrong with” me (as my dad would frequently ask).
hell yeah! ✊
My mental health has been slowly degrading over the last 20 years. But when something changes very slowly I always wonder “did it really change?”. Also when I am depressed it feels like I have allways been depressed. So for a long time I didn’t do anything about it and just tried to function. Our neighbours, who are also friends are social workers and they work with autistic people who can not live without help but are mostly independent. They once let slip that they think I could be autistic. When everything got so bad that I finally couldn’t procrastinate looking for therapy any more I had an initial talk with a psychologist. They asked some questions we were talking about many aspects of my life when I told them about the theory. Next thing they told me was: “This must be diagnosed before you start any kind of therapy because the therapy would need to be completely different depending on the diagnosis.” So I started searching for places who diagnose autism in adults. Every one in my area had waiting lists for years so I started looking further out. In the end I was lucky and found a place in a city I could reach by train (I can’t drive) where I had to wait only a month or so. The friendly psychologist there told me after a few minutes that she was reasonably sure I was autistic and had ADHD but that we still needed to do all the tests just to be sure. We did all the tests and it was confirmed.
Wowww. That’s a long hard road. I’m happy your neighbors let slip out and that you took as valuable information to make sense of your difficulties. Did you end up engaging in mental health services after the diagnosis?
Had my first therapy session last week. We both still have to decide if we are a good fit, but it’s looking good. It was already a big help for me knowing that I’m not just lazy and wasting my talent but doing my best in a bad situation and that no amount of willpower would have gotten me over this.
I can now have much more compassion with myself. Life is still hard but I’m taking steps to make it better and I’m not alone. My wife supports me as much as she can.
I’m so happy for you! I hope it works out with this therapist. If it doesn’t, there are a bunch more therapists you can engage with. Some of the most helpful advice I got when I first found out about being autistic was to “listen to your gut”. If something doesn’t feel right, then you don’t need to endure it. You’re paying for it, so it should be a safe and helpful experience.
I’m not very good at identifying feelings that are not extreme. So that is sadly not very much use to me.
Same. I even have trouble telling when I’m hungry. I usually can only tell when I’m either irritable or weak and notice that I haven’t eaten in a long time.
Still waiting on my assessment.
I was working in a school with a lot of differnt courses. I’ve come across a few like “working with Nerodivergence” things just clicked.
I asked a colleague if this behaviors list was accurate as it could apply to anyone. They asked why I thought that. because all there are things i do and I’m not… oh.
omg, I was at a farmer’s market one day with my ex. We went up to a tent that was selling these little toys that were basically cubes with different fidget tools on each end, like a light switch, buttons, a spinning volume-like knob, etc. I asked the lady what they were for. She said that autistic kids really like them. I played with it for a few seconds and responded, “Man, those autistic kids really know what’s up.” I then bought one for me and one for my ex’s 7 y/o nephew. He loved it! Like a year later, I find out I’m autistic, so I go into the deep dive of learning about autism and find out that autistic kids often flap their hands when they’re excited. Guess who else did that? My ex’s nephew.
Another incident was when I was at my friend’s house and saw his 3 y/o daughter walking on her toes. I pointed it out, and the mom said, “Yeah, she got that from [the father’s] side of the family. 😮💨” I said, “Hmm…I get it. I used to walk like that, too. It hurts to hit your heel on the ground and provides for better shock absorption.” About 3 months later, the father tells me he’s autistic.
I was so oblivious!! 🤦 😆
I, too, walk on the balls of my feet! I dislike the thump thump my heels make on the floor so I walk like that to avoid it.
I was my therapist’s PHD thesis. I was like 48. Up to that point everyone knew I was a bit odd, but couldn’t put their finger on it. (Though I do have a lifelong Major Depression diagnosis, so most people just figured I’m a lune.)
Weird, this sounds like me but I’m only 26. Major Depression and “a bit odd” is a good way to put it. Would you be willing to share any more detail about the process?
My son was diagnosed before he even turned 3 and his younger sister was being assessed, both of them are non-verbal. What I was learning about it put so many things from my entire childhood and youth in perspective and everything finally made sense, so I consulted and sure enough was diagnosed myself. My parents refused to accept it, they said I’m making excuses to not act “normally” and have cut all contact. I made my peace with that and am grateful about it, I no longer have to tolerate toxic people demeaning me for who I am, and my children sure don’t deserve that.
My parents refused to accept it, they said I’m making excuses to not act “normally” and have cut all contact.
That’s about them. I wonder what is up with that because it seems so irrational to me. Perhaps they feel guilty, embarrassed, or something and can’t handle it, so it’s safer for them to blame you and the entire medical community than accept any sort of feelings related to it. Still, it’s so messed up.
I made my peace with that and am grateful about it, I no longer have to tolerate toxic people demeaning me for who I am, and my children sure don’t deserve that.
That’s great! I’m happy to hear you’re taking it in a healthy manner and protecting your kids ❤️
A long time I experienced myself as “normal”. It didn’t occur to me, that “all the others are weird” can’t be right. While reading about ADHD a friend of mine also read about Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. He often said (both teasingly and matter-of-factly) “You most certainly are autistic”. Eventually I had enough of it and looked it up. The Wikipidia article convinced me blazingly fast (“wrong planet syndrome”) and I got diagnosed within half a year by the age of 34 (i.e. 8 years ago by the time of writing).
It didn’t occur to me, that “all the others are weird” can’t be right.
It hadn’t occurred to me until right now when I read that 🤦
a friend of mine also read about Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. He often said (both teasingly and matter-of-factly) “You most certainly are autistic”.
Did you ever discussed it with him after you got your diagnosis? What do you think was up with his confidently wrong assessment?
There was nothing wrong with his assessment and I’m still grateful that he nudged me in the right direction.
It went from me wondering why I could never seem to be or stay social. I consider myself funny and people tell me that, so why do I struggle around people then? Why can’t I make really social connection that aren’t just surface level. And why can’t I seem to change the way I live? I seem to do be unable to work on things I need to do because I have to stick to this rigid schedule.
Then nothing happened for a couple months, I just figured that I was anti social and moved on, but not really.
Then I was walking back to my car from work, and I was thinking about all this stuff, and wondering why I never like going places, and why I can’t stand parties, and why when I come back from work I hide away from my family. And why can’t i make eye contact??? I just kinda went, “Ha ha I wonder if I have autism lol”
One month later, I read a little about autism, and it really just fell into place. Oh I can’t make eye contact because autism, I struggle with social situations because of autism, I can’t say goodbye properly because of autism, YOU MEAN WHEN I THOUGH THAT I WAS JUST BECOMING MORE SOCIAL, WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY FREAKING WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY WATCHING MY BODY POSTURE, CONSCIOUSLY LISTENING TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE TALK, (and on and on) THAT THERE WAS A FREAKING WORD FOR THAT??? I WAS MASKING???
Anyways haven’t been tested yet but honestly it’s so I can’t be as doubtful of myself. I swear I’ll struggle through a social situation and come home and go “hmmmm I’m not doing anything autistic rn that must mean I don’t have autism and am just faking it”. He says while sitting in a room by himself, stimming by spinning a phone in his hand, following his usual schedule, with low light.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that’s expected.
TL:DR
I joked about me having autism and turns out I do.
That sounds like such an interesting journey. You seem to have a lot more self-awareness than I do, too. lol. There were sooooo soooo many signs that I acknowledged existed, but I never connected them to autism. I just felt that I was weird, wrong, weak, or broken. Never once did I think, “Maybe I’m autistic.” Not once.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that’s expected.
You are unforgiven because I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. You can be as lengthy, weird, quirky, or autistic as you want in here as long as you don’t blatantly break the rules.
Long story that played out over months… Went to the doctors with depressive episode. Got diagnosed burnout. But from what??? So… I dug into researching psychology. Turns out, I inherited the family 'tism and could trace anecdotal evidence back 4 generations. Nobody ever bothered to investigate before. Presented my findings to my therapist and her reaction after listening to it all was (paraphrasing) “You didn’t KNOW?”.
So, yeah… No ‘officially on paper’ official diagnosis yet. I don’t plan on getting one, because it turns out, the main cause of my problems isn’t Autism, it’s ADHD on top (that one got official a few months later), but now I am doing better with that under control and unlearning all the masking I did.
Yesss! I didn’t realize how much ADHD was affecting me until I got medicated. It became a whole new world. I’m happy you’re doing better with it under control.
I didn’t know my mother, and my father was classic Narcissist PD. When I looked into my family history, the only telling thing I could find was that my mother smoked cigarettes throughout the entire pregnancy.
I’m 37, and just got diagnosed at the beginning of this month, actually. I’ve never been quite “right” in social situations, and had “odd” interests and sensitivities. My dad is probably autistic but no one’s ever officially diagnosed him and he’d call it bullshit even if a professional said it.
My mother was a special education teacher, and she saw my stimming and sensory issues and decreed them to be a problem because I’d never be “normal” (and I use the term loosely). “You’re so smart! You can’t have any issue with anxiety! Lights are that bright for everyone, and no one else complains! Figure it out!”
Almost exactly a year ago I came across a TikTok channel talking about masking and how it can be stressful. The points she made about how autism presents differently in women struck a chord with me so I started doing research. So many issues and experiences I’d had just matched everything I was finding about very high functioning autism, and I asked about it. My therapist had said I have “autistic traits”, but trauma can also present in some of the same ways (and hoo boy is there trauma in my background). She suggested I meet with a neuropsych specialist in her office and get tested.
When I met with the doctor post-testing, she said that the tests confirmed my suspicions, but also that some of my mannerisms were textbook autism. Apparently looking away from someone while putting together a sentence isn’t me being rude, after all!
I still don’t know how I feel about the diagnosis. I’m working through a lot with my therapist under a different lens now seeing that a lot of things could have been explained if I had gotten diagnosed earlier. The big plus is that I am able to get accommodations at my job for things like light sensitivity and overstimulation now that I have an official diagnosis and letter.
My mother was a special education teacher, and she saw my stimming and sensory issues and decreed them to be a problem because I’d never be “normal” (and I use the term loosely). “You’re so smart! You can’t have any issue with anxiety! Lights are that bright for everyone, and no one else complains! Figure it out!”
I was in special ed and the teachers were like that there too. It’s so frustrating how the people with the most power over autistic people’s lives are so often the people who understand us the least.
The neuropsych doctor I was tested by told me that she had been a special education teacher herself, and that during the 70s-90s (and probably even now tbh) there was a heavy emphasis on making students act “acceptably” by stopping them from making larger stim motions and that now they realize it’s a bad idea. It sucks.
And that’s the whole ideology of ABA, to get rid of certain behaviors as if the reason people were doing those behaviors was simply because they couldn’t understand that they shouldn’t do them. Stimming isn’t just pointless disruption, it’s an important tool for self-regulation. Limited speaking isn’t just a refusal to communicate, it’s an actual difficulty with the medium of spoken word. Beating these traits out of people, either figuratively or literally, doesn’t solve the underlying issues that affect their internal experience and their happiness.
Sorry for ranting at you, I just get so mad about this topic.
Please don’t be sorry! I don’t know much about it but everything I learn makes me so angry.
A Healthygamer.gg video talked about the overlap of transgender and autism and that was when I was able to accept I (probably) have autism, and soon thereafter fullt accepted myself as trans female rather than a less extreme version of trans.
That sounds like a cool and unique path! Did you learn anything else about transgender and autism??
I learned a lot about transgender stuff by reading online. The Null HypotheCis, and the make me a woman button page, and other blog posts. I spent a lot of time reading r/nonbinary, r/agender, r/adrogynous etc. And eventually realized I’d be okay with, nay, want to be female.
Egg_irl, Unix_socks and reading r/femboys and seeing their profiles often said they are transfems rather than feminine males were also very helpful! I relate to almost ALL egg memes. Ive been repping so long that I’ve just tried everything. Folk pop, 100 gecs, MMOs, Arch Linux, the list goes on and on.
On autism, I found a channel called No Boilerplate who talks about Rust programming but also talks about how he copes with autism and even just regular adult issues. I watched videos about masking vs. Not masking…
And HealthyGamer.gg has many videos that can be helpful to the neurodivergent and trans reppers without ever breaking the prime directive. “Burnt out gifted kids”, “wasting life on video games”, and other stuff.
My therapist did unofficially diagnose me autistic and then trans, but I did the work of self-acceptance alone. The key takeaway from therapy was learning which mindfulness techniques actually worked for me. And most of my therapy was over the phone wearing headphones, with only two of our sessions being in person.
Thanks for asking!
That’s really interesting! I’m glad you were able to find all of those resources and that they were helpful. It seems like you have an inquisitive mind that dives into topics you find interesting.
Thanks for sharing, and you’re welcome
I met an autistic woman (same age, late 40’s) and watched the Chris Packham documentary. I then began to research heavily into my new (special) interest, read how women present differently than men, did a few of those online tests, and then went to my GP to ask for a referral, which led to my official diagnosis
I think that I’ve always felt ‘other’ and never fitted in despite trying (masking) and also the fact that everyone I’ve run into conflict with has always said my communication (verbal) is poor, and that socially I’m either a bit ‘weird’ or introvert/loner etc, but also I don’t really want to fit into the ‘norm’ because it feels fake, and stupid, and I feel like an alien anyway
Since then, I realise that my dad is definitely autistic (loves trains and his interests haven’t changed since he was a child), friends I have/had, as well as the people I gravitate towards are also probably autistic. I’m fairly certain my boyfriend is (he is also convinced), and I look at my mother and also wonder…hmmmm
Every difficulty I’ve ever had including anxiety, problems interacting with others, depression, general stubbornness, weird moodiness that comes on for ‘no reason’ (basically misinterpreted sensory overload causing shutdowns/meltdowns), being bullied at every educational level plus work is me trying to mask my autism and fit in, while failing miserably…
It was a huge relief to read about autism in women, and know that ‘these are my people’ and I’m actually a just an autistic person :)
I also want to add, this is my first interaction with this community, although I’ve really enjoyed all the memes, some had me laughing my head off. I used to lurk and occasionally comment on some of the female autism subs on reddit, so I’m glad this place exists here, it’s got a good vibe!
watched the Chris Packham documentary
Never heard of them. Was it this one?
I think that I’ve always felt ‘other’ and never fitted in despite trying (masking)
I was the same way, but I assumed everyone else was also doing that.
I don’t really want to fit into the ‘norm’ because it feels fake, and stupid, and I feel like an alien anyway
Me too! It feels so boring and inauthentic. When I was first diagnosed and learning about autism, I found multiple places that said that autistic people do not like to conform.
loves trains
I mean, trains are awesome.
Every difficulty I’ve ever had including anxiety, problems interacting with others, depression, general stubbornness, weird moodiness that comes on for ‘no reason’ (basically misinterpreted sensory overload causing shutdowns/meltdowns), being bullied at every educational level plus work is me trying to mask my autism and fit in, while failing miserably…
https://i.imgur.com/xr1BYdD.png
these are my people
Yes! I briefly dated an autistic woman shortly after being diagnosed, and it was a blast. Communication was so easy, and we were understanding of each other without much effort. I may never date another NT again.
I also want to add, this is my first interaction with this community, although I’ve really enjoyed all the memes, some had me laughing my head off. I used to lurk and occasionally comment on some of the female autism subs on reddit, so I’m glad this place exists here, it’s got a good vibe!
I’m happy you enjoy it and find value here! 😁
My therapist brought up the possibility that I may be neurodivergent. I had gone through a difficult breakup and was increasing angry and impulsive and had no idea what to do.
After a few sessions, she noticed a lot of my issues of feeling alienated and social exhaustion were very similar to other clients she had. I was technically diagnosed early on but my parents disregarded it and so I continued life without knowing otherwise.
So throughout my adolescence, I had difficulties with “fitting in” and a pervasive sense of incompetency that developed into long-term depression. My perpetual exhaustion was due to the fact I was masking constantly. It’s been freeing and I’ve been a lot more forgiving of myself especially to my past.
I was technically diagnosed early on but my parents disregarded it and so I continued life without knowing otherwise.
When I applied for services through a local program, they conducted an assessment of my time in school. Through that assessment, the evaluator pointed out that the frequent meetings my parents had with the school and special attention and considerations I was getting from teachers and school was because I was more than likely on a program for autistic kids. My parents are now dead, but when I was getting evaluated for autism as an adult, I had to ask my uncle a bunch of questions as requested by the psychologist. When I brought it up to him, it was as if he already knew I was autistic and became a bit shameful and has barely spoken to me since then when we used to speak about every two weeks. I think that there is something I don’t know about my childhood or he feels guilty that they never told me, leading to me having so much difficulty as an adult.
So throughout my adolescence, I had difficulties with “fitting in” and a pervasive sense of incompetency that developed into long-term depression. My perpetual exhaustion was due to the fact I was masking constantly.
Jeez, it’s like we all lived the same life without knowing it. We were so alone thinking we were the only ones, yet we were all experiencing similar lives.
It’s been freeing and I’ve been a lot more forgiving of myself especially to my past.
Yay!! 🥳
Thank you for the response! It’s been oddly validating reading other people’s shared experiences. One of my first responses to reading supplied material my therapist later provided was a solid facepalm because it was legitimately word-for-word the issues I brought up in the first session.
I was briefly in a special needs program early on during school which I did enjoy. We’d go on excursions away from the standard school schedule. My parents were looking out for what they thought were my best interest - despite how narrow-minded it may be. I always try to remind myself that family rarely if ever acts out of malice but misguided views
You’re welcome! 🙂
Sounds like your path of forgiveness is peaceful
I was really starting to notice how much I identified with issues and problems and just the general way of being other people with ADHD and autism describe it, so went to the doctor to find out. Was diagnosed with ADHD and BPD, and given a referral for further testing for autism and other issues, but my appointments kept getting pushed back for that until I eventually gave up on it and am now seeking a different doctor that takes my insurance, because there’s a good chance I am actually on the spectrum.
I thought I was BPD too! I asked a relationship therapist after she had known me for ~3 months, and she opposed that I was BPD. Then, I asked my psychologist friends that had known me for ~7 years if I was BPD, which they emphatically opposed as well. Apparently, we can have wild mood swings that can appear to be BPD to a clinician that is not properly trained or has some countertransference/projection issues.
I hope it works out with the new clinician and you get a proper evaluation.
I didn’t even know about BPD until I was given my diagnosis. It explains a lot about my relationships tho. I either worship the ground you walk on or wish you were dead and struggle to maintain stable feelings.
