My uncle lives about 3 blocks away from where I live, so very close. We never really see each other.
My mom and him are always argueing and to be fair my mother is right. He is an *sshole but he personally never done anything to me.
My brother on the other side has more contact to him and said that he belongs to family and should come or else I will start a “fight”.
I don’t know I don’t really care about him because I don’t interact with him so the only reason why I wouldn’t invite him is because of how he is treating my mom. My mom avoids contact as much as possible and they are two different people. I couldn’t care less if he was at my wedding or not so if it wouldn’t be for my mother I would invite him to avoid drama but duo to how the situation is I am honestly thinking about not inviting him so my mom can enjoy the day too and doesn’t have to “hide”.
She ran out off my nephews second birthday last year once my uncle came in because he is so toxic she can’t even stay in a room with him.
My brother said it isn’t my problem but tbh it I think it is my problem. I love my mom and want her to enjoy my wedding without her being forced to have contact with someone she HATES.
I think I answered my own question by now but am I the as*shole and what consequences does this have? I am planning on visiting my uncle and telling him he isn’t invited because of how the situation is between my mom and him and that my and my wifes wedding isn’t the day for family drama and I don’t want to risk it - even if they promise to behave. I just don’t want it on that day.
With that being said I also can’t invite my grandpa to which I do not have contact with since years because of how toxic he was to my mother. He wasn’t as toxic as my uncle to my mother was so my mom said it would be okay to invite him BUT he requires 1:1 assistance meaning my oncle would have to drive him and take care of him - he would also be there because of my grandpa. So I just don’t invite both.
Edit: accidently posted it in relationship advice my bad :-(
I know it feels like it due to societal pressures, but you don’t have to invite anyone to your wedding, except maybe your spouse would be a good idea. Everyone else is optional.
Your mother is more important to you than your uncle, and if you want her there, not inviting your uncle is perfectly fine. In fact, I would even uninvite anyone that tries to shame you into inviting your uncle. Just additional drama that I wouldn’t need in my life.
Who comes to your wedding is your (and your spouse’s) decision only, and every invite should make your wedding better, not worse. It’s possible to be an asshole with who you invite, but in this case it’s absolutely not, you’re not trying to hurt anyone, you’re trying to prevent pain.
I wouldn’t invite him. Weddings are not about the family, they are about the couple. Everyone that starts a drama about invitations and stuff is missing the point.
Your mum comes first. You don’t even have contact with the brother who bullies her and the father who taught him to bully her, why would you ruin her day just to be nice to them?
One day, her brother might grow up and become a decent person. Missing out on your wedding might be the thing that helps him change so don’t deny him that opportunity. Your grandad should have a chance to reflect on how he managed to produce a son so horrible they both missed out on your wedding because of it. He still has time to apologise to her.
It’s your wedding and it’s down to you who attends.
Who ever you do or don’t invite will always cause some friction so it’s a lose/lose situation where the best compromise is to make yourself and your partner happy.
It’s your day, not anyone else’s.
You’re under no obligation to invite anyone aside from your spouse-to-be and legal witnesses. Everyone else is optional, especially people who would create drama and/or hamper the enjoyment of other guests you do want at the wedding.
My partner and I eloped with our witnesses and parents when we got hitched. There was griping on both sides of course, but if I didn’t care enough to have anyone else at the ceremony, why would I give a fuck about their feelings and takes on that decision? They could either get over it or not.
Anyone who gets upset with you for making a choice about YOUR life that in no way materially impacts them or theirs needs a reality check. It’s your life and your wedding. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
If you’re paying for the wedding yourselves just invite whoever you want. No reason to feel guilty for leaving people out, especially if they’re toxic like that.
If you’re getting help financially from family, I would discuss it with them discretely to make sure there’s no expectations, and make your feelings very known. And still don’t invite if you really don’t feel it’s right. It’s your day.
Wish you all the best
I think you should take any opportunity to reduce stress on you on your wedding day. The wedding is for you and your partner and that’s all that will matter in the end.
People that are so selfish that they’d rather bicker and pick fights with other guests at the cost of everyone else’s enjoyment should definitely not be invited.
If you want, just explain to them why you felt you needed to make the decisions you did. Maybe they’ll care enough to listen and take a look at themselves, or maybe not.
It’s unfortunate that they still behave that way at that point in their lives, and I get it that we all have our own set of issues and that nobody is perfect. But, I really don’t think it’s worth risking it on your wedding day. Like I said, that day is for you two. Share it with the people who you can count on to experience that happiness with.
It’s your wedding, not theirs. Invite whoever you want, or none. This should not be about your uncle, brother or even your mom, but about you and your SO.
