TL;DR: We had a talk because GF said she doesn’t like some behavioral stuff about me. I said tell me what it is, and maybe I can work on it. She said no, changing, even just small changes, for the partner makes no sense, better find someone more “similar”. It’s a bad signal for me because it implies she wouldn’t take compromises either. I can’t see myself being with someone who can’t talk about stuff like that and take compromises.
We’ve been together for more than a year. I haven’t noticed it myself that much during that time, but we recently had a talk. She told me that she’s unsure if we really fit together long term. Topics like differing interests and behaviors of me that disturb her. I told her I didn’t know she dislikes my behavior for these specific cases, but if we talk about it, we can work on that. I’m happy to adjust some stuff like cleanliness at my home (we don’t live together, and it’s about stray newspapers, a pair of socks on the bedroom floor and the likes, for that particular case).
I thought I proposed a good and honestly quite normal solution. Talk to each other, take compromises for my partner, accept them not being perfect. Sadly, I was wrong. She proposed that she doesn’t like the idea of me adjusting my own life for her sake. She also indirectly said it could be better to date someone that doesn’t need compromising to fit her “needs”. Obviously she didn’t pick those words, but that’s what I understood.
Now, I love my girlfriend and I obviously try to make it right for her. However, her not accepting that I’d change little things about my life for her sake is kind of a bad sign for me. She was so extremely against that, it makes me think she doesn’t feel like taking compromises either. In fact, it’s quite obvious now, she wouldn’t really take a trade-off. And I’m not here for that. While I’m mostly fine the way she is right now, I don’t think it’s possible to be together without compromises for any couple. I thought back into the past a bit and it’s true. She doesn’t really do much to find compromises with me, it’s basically just me who accepts her stance on whatever it’s about.
Also, who happily agrees with every quirk and decision their partner has? You’ll have disagreements, and sometimes it’s not about who’s right or wrong. You just have to talk about it and try to find a way around it. If it’s a huge disagreement and there’s no viable solution, fine. There are dealbreakers. But other than that, I’m sure you can find a compromise for most stuff. At least that’s how it works in my mind if you really like a person.
Right now, I’m trying to find out if I really understood her correctly, but if nothing changes, I don’t really see a future here. My two close friends that know about this both asked if I’m her first relationship, but I’m not. However, it from what I heard she was like that in previous relationships as well. But can’t be sure.
Has this ever happened to you? Am I the weird one? Am I unfairly only telling my side of the story?
On the one hand it’s extremely healthy that she’s willing to talk openly about behaviors she finds disturbing, and I like her attitude of not having to change just to meet someone else’s demands that you be what they want you to be. But on the other hand - life and relationships are all about compromise, and even though we like to think we don’t have to give up or change things, the truth is, sometimes to make a relationship work, you DO have to compromise what you want. Each side has to give a little.
So in a way her attitude, while admirable, is also immature. She probably doesn’t yet see why both sides have to give in and be compromising sometimes. Iv’e seen so many people end up alone because they refuse to change or give even a little to the other person’s needs.
I think all you can do is iterate why you find her great to be with and hope she’ll not just give up on you. Relationships ALWAYS take work, and I’ve learned it’s not always a good idea to just up and walk out because of being fed up with the other person.
Honestly, I don’t even think she’s so happy to talk about her problems with me. Like I mentioned, she doesn’t really tell me when something disturbs her. She just finally opened up about it because I’ve been asking how she is and if she’s still feeling down of whatever happened in her family. Still, I’m happy she told me, even if it turns out to be a problem with no solution.
I don’t think showing her my passion to be with her will be the go to strategy for me. I’m not too good for it, I just don’t think it would be healthy for myself. As it stands, I don’t see a future if she can’t take a compromise. Sure, I still love her. But love is not always rational and I’m not sure how long I could stay in love with someone who doesn’t put the work into the relationship that I do (or think I do).
I think it’s beneficial for you both that she opened up about her feelings, I have a friend who just recently after nearly 20 years of marriage had his wife tell him most of his behaviors really bothered her. Imagine, keeping that bottled up all that time!
The point I’m making is that when you get to hear the truth, it DOES give you options to decide which way you want to go. You say you aren’t sure it would be healthy to keep going if she can’t compromise, and that’s a good point and probably what you need to see in order to think about what more you might want in a partner.
I wish you all the best, I know it’s tough out there. Love isn’t rational, and neither are humans a good deal of the time. Good luck with it!